Essential Information
- During a recent appearance on Jay Shetty’s On Purpose podcast on August 6, Chris Appleton candidly discussed a particularly challenging period in his life.
- The famed hairstylist opened up about previous suicidal thoughts linked to his sexuality.
- Appleton expressed his hope that his openness would help others who are struggling to feel understood and supported.
Chris Appleton recently delved into one of the toughest phases of his life.
On the On Purpose podcast, hosted by Jay Shetty, 42-year-old Appleton shared his past struggles with suicidal thoughts. He feared the impact his identity as a gay father might have on his children.
“I thought it would be easier for them if they had a father who was dead rather than a father who was gay. I have never talked about this before,” Appleton revealed during the podcast episode, which coincided with the announcement of his upcoming book, Your Roots Don’t Define You.
Appleton is a father to two children, 22-year-old Billy and 20-year-old Kitty-blu, whom he shares with his former partner, Katie Katon.
He recounted that Katon was the first person he confided in about his sexuality, giving her time to process the end of their relationship. Although they had been together for nearly a decade, they never married.
Coming out to Katon was challenging because, as Appleton explained, “I loved her dearly, and I didn’t want to be gay. I didn’t want to be different.”
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“The most difficult part was telling my children,” admitted Appleton, who previously never imagined he would share this story publicly. “But now, I feel ready to talk because I think it might help someone else who is going through a hard time.”
He described the thought of his children facing bullying because of his sexual orientation as “really painful,” making him feel “like a disease.”
“I felt like it was a cancer. I wanted to remove it from me,” he continued, expressing his desire to be “a normal dad for them.”
When it was time to tell his children, then aged around 6 and 8, it was actually Katon’s mother who broke the news because Appleton found it too overwhelming.
“Suddenly, I felt like I had ruined their lives, and I had failed as a dad because my job was to protect them. If anyone hurt them, it was my role to protect them. But it was me who hurt them, and I couldn’t come to terms with that,” he said.
After a conversation with his son, Appleton “shut down and left” because he was overwhelmed by shame.
He then drove for a couple of hours, bringing along painkillers and alcohol, and checked into a hotel. “I kept looking at a picture of my kids in a computer case, they were smiling in it, and they had written a message on it. It was just a little computer case, but I held onto it the entire time,” he recounted.
After consuming the pills mixed with the alcohol, Appleton thought, “This is it. I won’t hurt anyone anymore… and maybe I’ll stop hurting too.” He described the rest as “a blur,” but remembered waking up in a hospital to the sound of sirens.
“Something shifted then, and it was profoundly impactful because I realized I couldn’t hate myself any more than I already did, and I couldn’t try to stop being gay any longer,” he reflected. He later thought, “What if I just accept myself? What if I’m just gay and embrace that?”
At that moment, he chose to live. “I thought of my eight-year-old self and allowed him to be seen,” Appleton shared.
“Although it was one of the darkest nights of my life, it was also a turning point. I’ve never talked about this publicly before, but I hope sharing my story can help others feel seen and heard, whether they’re struggling themselves or are parents trying to understand their child. It’s crucial to recognize how deep the pain can be when you’re silenced and unable to express your true self, or even to understand the impact of bullying,” he concluded.
If you or someone you know is dealing with mental health issues, emotional distress, substance use problems, or simply needs someone to talk to, don’t hesitate to call or text 988, or chat at 988lifeline.org anytime, day or night.
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